fairydust143b

I dont understand people in this world and at this moment this exact minute of time im not truly understanding myself. everything int hem orning will be better my puzzle set will be all placed together bc sleeping resolves alot of things. maybe not for you but def. from me.

School should die. i skipped and wondered around boca all morning. By 12 jodi and i wen to barns an nobles and read or "skimmed" 5984746524749 books on vampires. FUN. im a psychic vampire. dont ask i cant to you mortal ppl im just kidding

Ive found that running away from your past dosent have any logic. Since every waking hour is just a little bit of your past, why not make it a good moment back in time. Whether youve got a few skeleton's in your closet or a whole mound of them, and depending what they are it dosent make you a bad person or less human. Unfortunatly we were put in this bloody world to make mistakes and learn from them, but its all about a lesson. The year of 2004 was a serious lesson. Idont regret anything. Ive learned how to love and love back and pick friends who are real and not fake. Ive drank and smoked and eventually it will all catch up with me, but for the time being im living MY life to the fullest. I know people will try to bring me down and may sucseed but never KEEP me down. If you think of your self as a rose when youve been brought into this world, you will soon discover that you will start to brittle up and turn a darker shade. What you dont relize is that your not letting water, or oxygen, to your heart. People/Roses become this way BC of other people/roses. All in all, you will grow old and whether you be that brittle stail colored rose or that beautiful soft rose from day one with some creases in the middle life isent so bad and soon you will find that living loving hurting and just being here is a blessing! Truthfully, everything IS alright! And what mess your in now WILL pass and become your past. Just dont forget to not run from it. You as one dont have a scary story to tell because if you called life a story then we should of called Earth a library. Chin up head high, wipe those tears off your cheek and bring back who you once were, and maybe someone better! :)

I wrote this entry especially for two people. Eigna and Ffej! Stay strong!

I went to buzz bake sale. KICK ASS. I moshed, head banged, offered weed, had way to many ciggs and saw so many hott guys i was orgasiming one after the other. KMK,the most awsome band! It was great i really did have a good time, FINALLY, in a really long ass time.Amanda came and gave me a hugg along with Danielle and Alex. Kind of aqward. Imiss her with a passion but i got dumped...BY A GIRL, friendship wise! I saw brian their. yesterday we "Broke up". Whatever! Its okay im over it all the way. One tear streamed down my face but it wasent enouph to fill a river. :) Im in a major depression right now. Im thinking about getting back on my meds. I wish i could settle this fucking disease down and not let it puncture my once healed wounds. Its kinda scary bc i feel the same way i did when i was in 7th grade. I feel no desire. Only for death blood and everything satanic. I mean i would never go along and do any of these thigns to my self or any one else but its just ho im feelin. Ill find myself a man and hopefully some of my feelings will fit together liek a puzzle.


Feel the bass tickle your back
Hanging on a thread...of your bra
Its been ripped off and now im left naked
Im not scared i love this tomb where my soul lays
Strike a mother fuckin pose
Im done with it im walkin
Ive got no scars left on my arms bc i wished them away so i can make more
Its like a canvas where i carve my heart out
But now im naked and everyone can see these scars that god intended for me to make
This path that im walking on is strickly for the miserable most happy people in the world
Walk it with me!

Holy Shit what the fuck did i do to my hair. Ibleached my bangs and kept it infor 20 mins. like my brother said. Took it out and it looks like orange blah. Then i put pink on my bangs, it just looks rediculous. Ive got HOTT PINK BANGS and blonde mother fuckin hair. Ahhhhh. W/E shyt happens.

Usually for chritmas i get happy. This year i cant wait till its over. Were broke blindidly, family sucks, Christmas trees are to expensive and i wish i had soemone special to spend it with. Last year i did. But since march life just plunged down the fuckin hill. And so has everything inside me. i cant wait till these holidays are over. Hopefully ill be alive at the end of them!

My heart has deminished
i feel nothing inside
im blank
blood spreads throu my veins
and seeps throu the slits
Dont question my wrist !

i dident go to school today. i should of but i dient bc i ned to finish some stuff in history. im so bored. ive been lookng at ppl on my space all freakin morning. talk bout desprite. or not. everyones in school, where i should be but any ways ill vwritem ore later. this si gettin boring to

Life isent good or bad and NOT stuck in the middle. Im completly alone. The only person in my life that i could go run to right now and cry my eyes out is my brother. the one person who i dont mind snooping throu my stuff or throu my life. if their was any one in the world that loved me and treated me with the amount of respect that he gives me ide marry them. any ways.
The boi situation
No one what so ever has popped in my life this school year that i actually care for. Well their was and that was the begining of the year (natie) but he hates me now. ive fucked myself over so blindly. ive lost everything that i owned last year or this summer. what ever sanity that i owned is now gone and wisping away in the breeze. all thos old freinds that i had betrayed me a tremendous amount (even thou they say i did that to them but who's buisness is it to know whom im with). either way it was for the better. ive made new freinds and ive tried making a new life up. dosent happen. all those scars are fading and reappearing but very slowly. i havent done any thing stupid in a few weeks so im kinda proud of myself. it takes alota self control.

im wishing
the only thing i want in my life is someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright eventhou they kno it wont be, but reashure me, constantly. this feeling feels like soem one is grabbing your emotional heart out and squeezing it thinking your saying to do that but your really not.
its a hurtful situation. why cant a attractive boi stroll down my way and have some qualitys i want. i kno its all a dream but will i finally actually get married bc i dont hink i will. the man who will ask me to marry him i wont love and walk away and grab my things and move back down the street. why cant this prince charming ride down 200 miles and be with me for the rest of a are unahpy days? i want his everything to be with me for ever.

STOP DREAMING GOD DAMN IT AND GET OVER YOUR LONLY DISAPPOINTMENT AND FEEL THE PAIN WITH EMPTYNESS
FUCK YOU!

MAN

Im sorry you couldent see the look in my eyes that showed some kind of fate.
Im sorry i dident speak up adn let loose the force in my heart.
I look at these pictures and gaze at them for a minute bc if i look for to long then i only see the person i could of had and never had maybe not even as a freind.
That one drunkin evening before school started you touch my hand with your pinkie.
Thinking it was on accident i ignore you. But as your hand sweeps closer every bump we go over in that ex-girlfreinds best freinds car we finally hold hands.
I hide this little something behind my knee.
I could see straight even thou i wasent toally sober.
Ilooked at you and smiled.
You nonchalantly scoot your fearsome body next to mine.
Why now and not earlier.
Now is the worst time.
What about that bet with the guys about how many girls you can get?
But that was everyone besides in the group.
Under everyting i hate about you i can only look deeper into your mind and touch what is fragile.
Inside i can see that their is a some what sensitive person that i long to be with.
I am to upset to even imagine the fact that you went her, and if she could of spoke up and told you my freind sabrina likes you.
Then maybe things could of ended diffrently that summer.
What i do know is that im happy in a sense that we had never found out.
That horribly drunken day. that day i made you not drive as drunk as you were to even let you get into your car and drive away.
That day that i made red marks around your bathroom walls and out in the front bathroom door.
That day that that scissor was only going to see blood in its life.
It was almost about you but it was about yor freind.
And that my freind was another story.
But to think if you knew all of my true feelings once about you and now, how would you react?


Its a time to never regret your true feelings bc thats what makes up many of are personalitys

Im at my aunts housei n boca for hte next 5 days. Okay now its 4. itll be fun. halloween is tomorow and i have no planbs, yet. im planning to go to a freinds house but then again life is very unexpected. it may just pan out by me watching scary movies all night and then being extremly tired for school the next day. Either way it shall be fun. Maybe i can go with Jess and Sam tomorow night. Tonight ive got work at 5 until 11. Next week ill start making 6 dollers instead of 5.15. i also found out that ill be wokring as a waaitress soon. I rather keep my other job. Being the table setter and stuff. I rather do taht bc it gets me out faster rather then staying for a whole extra hour. Money is money no matter what country. My mum by the way is in pennslvania, thast why i am at my aunts house. My grams is sick so thast why she went. i woulda went to but money is a major issue. OH shyt also i have 200 bucks saved now. i am so delighted. and my cell fone is payed so the next pay check ill just pay my cell fone again and i can save my 200 dollers for when i finally go to orlando. my dad is moving to an apt. this monday. kinda sucks. but mayeb its closer to kyle. hmmm? thank god thou bc he dosent live next sheena. but the sadder note is jon an monique wot be literally 2 seconds away any more. ill find new freinds i awlasy do.

20 days and 20 nights
hanging around living life
partying liek an animal
in my sandals
eating each bite one by one
thnking what i should call my sons
pregnant babys
screaming out save me
hungry stars
that look so far
hanging on a thread
but instead....

latly life has been just a lil strange. i had a complete break down this morning. wasent kool. i wentto the nakalmal tonight. i had 2 shots of cheifs. 3 hrs later im feelin it. my mums like you guys are stoned. omg sarina your eyes are blood shot. shes dumb. jess man that woulda been fun with leo you n i. hahahahahahahaha. hmmmmm.yo anthoney jess an i aregettin married to youy and were gonna bare your chillins. be proud. my brothers sick an im gonna throw up soon due to to much kava. ive just relized my mother relys on me. its sick an i dont like it.

time is peace and the only peace that reponds is the one within.
their for love every one.
only hate when needed.
live large and do everyting that you could possible do.
because you dont know when you are gonna loose the oppertunity

I guess you can say ive gotten most of my life back on track. People worried about me bc of what i had said on this journal. You really dont need to. Im fine, im a teeager that goes throu tramatic changes. But in my case these are huge and re-accuring. Im alright thou. I found out the hard way alot this summer and all i have to say is thanks to whom was in it. And again fuck you to. :) School is rockin. Guys suck to the totalist filth. Most of them atleast. I still love em ALL. My brother is leaving soon. Even thou his visit is really short, im just praying for him every inch of the day. Hes done a part of the life long factors of knowledge in my heart and head. So what else can i do then worry. Pray along with me.

Would you go back a second time? Would you go for a first? Does time really heal all wounds, or is that just a cover up so we dont ahve to wine any more? My scraps cuts and bruises are the past and uglyness of the future appears as the injury starts to heal. This isent how i look at things this is how i feel.